Let's Be Us Again
by parkrstark
Summary: For the Rysposito Secret Santa Fic Exchange: Ryan and Esposito hate fighting, but usually the making-up is totally worth it.


**This was written for the Rysposito Secret Santa Fic Exchange. This takes place sometime in season 4.**

* * *

Javier Esposito had never once been jealous.

When his school had it's annual Father-Son bowling night, Javier wasn't jealous of his friends because they had a father to go with. Javier had just as much fun with his Uncle.

When the other kids in his school had the newest toys, clothes and baseball equipment and he was wearing his until they absolutely did not fit or were riddled with holes, Javier was not jealous.

In high school, when his best friend went to prom with the most beautiful girl in school while he was working a double shift at the local auto shop, Javier was not jealous.

So when Kevin all of a sudden started mentioning his new girlfriend, Javier wasn't jealous. It couldn't have been serious because he never bothered to introduce her to Javier. He thought just like every other girlfriend, she would be gone before the end of the month.

But when Kevin brought her to the precinct one evening and Javier finally got to meet her, he started to get this uneasy feeling in his stomach whenever he thought about Kevin and Jenny together.

She was beautiful, smart, sweet and a down to earth girl; no wonder his partner was dating her. The way that Kevin held her as he introduced her made him realize that he probably lost Kevin. He had taken too long to get his shit together and someone else beat him to Kevin. He could easily imagine Kevin and Jenny together forever.

He used to only imagine himself with Kevin.

That thought stung. For years he was by Kevin's side through it all and now he was losing him all because he didn't open his stupid mouth.

* * *

After Kevin and Jenny left for their movie, Javier grabbed his coat without even filing his paperwork for the night. He huffed and stormed past Beckett and Castle.

Castle shifted in his chair and called Esposito, "Where're you going, 'Sito?"

"Home," he said without even turning to address the writer.

Castle turned to Beckett with a look of worry and she asked the Hispanic detective, "You finished all your paperwork?"

"It'll be there tomorrow," he grumbled when he reached the elevator. He stabbed the button harder than necessary and impatiently tapped his foot until it opened and he walked through.

Once he was gone, Castle turned to Beckett and asked in a sad, soft voice, "Jenny?"

"Jenny." Beckett confirmed with a short nod.

* * *

The next morning, Esposito woke up and was 90% sure that someone was pounding through his head with a jackhammer.

He didn't remember anything past going to the bar and ordering drink after drink. His mind was crowded with bright blue eyes, a gummy smile and soft touches.

"Morning, handsome."

Okay, so that voice was new. Esposito blinked his eyes open to find a woman lying next to him in bed. _It was one of those nights,_ he thought. "Um, good morning."

The woman giggled and tucked a strand of her brunette hair behind her ear. "I can't really remember much of last night, but I remember it was a good time."

Esposito pushed himself up, feeling like such an ass. He hadn't had a one night stand in years, but he let one little thing with Ryan drive him crazy enough to do it again. He couldn't even remember the good part. Now he was stuck with a killer hangover and the awkwardness.

"I'll go make some coffee. There's a bathroom just down the hall." He stood up and didn't bother to cover himself as he grabbed a pair of boxers from his drawer, slipped them on and left the room.

Stumbling into the kitchen, he turned on his coffee machine and tried to think of a way to get rid of this girl without sounding like a dick. He didn't want her, he wanted Ryan. And even his drunken self must have known the same because it wasn't hard to see. That girl had brunette hair like Ryan, she had big blue eyes like Ryan, she smiled like Ryan, she had a button nose that wrinkled when she laughed like Ryan. It was ridiculous.

"Do you have creamer? I like my coffee sweet." Oh great, she drank her coffee like Ryan too.

Esposito grunted and turned to the fridge to pull of the creamer he kept in there just for Ryan. He set the bottle on the counter next to the two mugs while the coffee brewed. He sighed and turned around to face her. "Listen, I'm…" He trailed off when he saw her sitting at his table wearing nothing but one of his t-shirts. Esposito tried not to imagine Ryan wearing it in her place.

"I hope you don't mind. I didn't want to throw on my dress from last night." She smiled again and must have noticed his hesitation and quickly said, "I know we were both drunk and it wasn't supposed to mean anything...but I was hoping that maybe we could try it out." She blushed and ducked her head with a smile.

Esposito was about to politely decline when the buzzing of his phone caught his attention. He checked his text from Ryan and read it.

 _i won't be able to make coffee this morning, jennys making breakfast. sorry!_

Esposito scowled down at the phone. Ryan was seriously ditching their morning coffee together before work for a stupid breakfast with Jenny? Suddenly this girl sounded like the perfect idea. Ryan obviously didn't care for him like that when he had _Jenny_ to worry about. Well, Esposito didn't need him either.

"Hey, Espo, wanna meet at the Old Haunt to have some drinks and watch the game?" Castle asked, coming to stand by his desk. "Ryan already turned it down because he's busy with Jenny tonight."

Esposito looked up apologetically at the writer. "Sorry, bro, can't. I have a date tonight."

Castle didn't look disappointed, in fact he looked interested. "Anyone I would know?"

Esposito chuckled. "I don't think so, Castle."

Ryan walked up and sat down at his desk, grabbing the writer's attention. "Hey, Ryan, did you know Espo has a girlfriend?"

Ryan looked up and for a split second, Esposito thought he looked upset, but then there was a smile plastered on his face. "News to me. Someone serious, Javi?"

Esposito shrugged his shoulders. He really wasn't sure. She was a great girl and after that morning when they spent time _sober_ he really enjoyed their time together. She was a great girl. But Esposito felt guilty every time he kissed her or held her or sometimes even looked at her and imagined Ryan there instead. He was using her, he knew that, but not purposely. If it weren't for Ryan he would have been all for dating her.

But Ryan was still there and Esposito still had a raging crush on him. But he couldn't have Ryan and this girl was the closest he was going to get anytime soon.

"When are you going to bring her to the precinct?" Castle asked with a smirk.

Esposito rolled his eyes. "What makes you think I would want to bring her here?"

Castle pouted. "Aw, come on, you don't think she'd want to meet your best friends- your _only_ friends?"

"Seriously, bro?"

Castle grinned before jumping up from his seat. "I've gotta tell Beckett our boy is growing up and settling down."

Once Castle was gone to find wherever Beckett had disappeared to, Esposito found himself alone with a quieter than usual Ryan. By now, Ryan would be talking a mile a minute, but now he sat straight in his seat and flipped through paperwork.

"You okay, Ryan?"

Ryan looked up. "What? Oh, uh, yeah, fine." He mumbled, obviously distracted by his thoughts.

"You don't look fine."

"It's nothing." Ryan said, fidgeting in his seat.

"Ryan, I can see something's bothering you. You've got that frown on your face that makes little wrinkles on your forehead." Esposito raised his eyebrows.

"No, I don't," Ryan said even though he slapped a hand on his forehead.

Esposito chuckled, but he soon turned somber. "Kevin, seriously, tell me what's wrong."

"I'm just surprised, is all. I didn't know you had a girlfriend." He shrugged his shoulders, avoiding Esposito's gaze.

"I only met her a week or two ago. I didn't really see why I had to tell anyone about her until I thought it was serious."

Ryan put down his pen. "I just thought, you know, I told _you_ about Jenny the next day."

"I didn't meet her until a month later," Esposito pointed out. But he didn't want to start anything or put Ryan in a worse mood so he brushed it off. "Whatever, bro. She's just a girlfriend. Don't get your panties in a twist."

Ryan didn't react to Javier's joke; he just smiled. "We should go on a double date!"

Esposito immediately shook his head. "No way. Do you remember our _last_ double date?"

"Jenny won't bring up marriage, I promise." Ryan said earnestly.

Still Esposito didn't budge. "Nope."

Ryan huffed and went back to work. Esposito watched and he was torn between anger and regret. He wanted to scream at Ryan for giving him mixed signals; one second he was happy with his girlfriend and then the next he was mad at Esposito for getting one. And maybe he should have held back on the girlfriend until Ryan broke things off with Jenny.

Esposito sighed heavily and went back to his own work. Why were they such idiots?

* * *

The days dragged on and Ryan and Esposito saw less and less of each other outside of work. When Esposito asked Ryan to hang out, he was busy with Jenny and when Ryan asked Esposito to hang out, he was busy with his own girlfriend.

They had some weird game of hard-to-get going and it was definitely working.

Ryan stopped bothering him about meeting his girlfriend, but Castle didn't. Esposito didn't plan on ever bringing her in until one morning when things were slow at the precinct and Ryan was spending his day texting Jenny every minute because she was sick in bed.

After watching Ryan's dumb love struck face staring down at his phone for too long, Esposito finally cracked. He pulled out his own phone and sent out a quick text.

 _Hey, u wanna go out for lunch? Come meet me the 12th;)_

He dropped his phone on his desk and called loudly to Castle, who was sitting next to Beckett at her desk. "Hey, Castle, your wish came true. She's on her way now."

Castle jumped up from his seat next to Beckett, pausing whatever attempt he was pulling to get Beckett to go out with him, and ran over to Esposito's desk. Esposito watched from the corner of his eye as Ryan looked up from his phone. He looked disappointed.

" _Her_ her? Your girlfriend?" Castle asked excitedly.

Esposito laughed. "Yeah, she's picking me up for lunch."

Castle plopped down in the seat next to Esposito's desk and stared at the elevator doors intently. That chair was kept there for when Ryan liked to come over and talk to him during the day. Even though their desks were across from each other, Ryan still came over where he was closer. It hadn't been used in weeks.

Esposito sat next to Castle, waiting for her to arrive. He ignored the longing looks he was getting from Ryan. It wasn't like Esposito showed up out of nowhere with a girlfriend. That was Ryan.

A half hour later, the elevator doors pinged open and four heads whipped towards it to see a woman walk into the bullpen looking around uncertainly.

Esposito stood up and walked over to her with a smile. When she saw him, her face broke out into a bright smile and she hurried forward to catch him in a hug and kiss.

Esposito kissed her cheek before escorting her over to their desks. Once they reached the desk clumps and Castle got a better look at her, his jaw dropped. He looked at Ryan and then back at her.

Esposito waited for Beckett to come over before introducing her. "Guys, this is my girlfriend, Kelly Regan."

Castle was still speechless, so Esposito motioned to Ryan in his chair. "Kelly, this is my partner Kevin Ryan."

Ryan finally stood up and extended his hand. He forced a smile and said, "It's nice to meet you."

Kelly looked Ryan over and paused before shaking his hand. "Nice to meet you, as well. Javi talks about you all the time."

Esposito should not have felt satisfied when Ryan's eye twitched when she called him 'Javi'.

Kelly smiled and turned to Castle and Beckett. "You two must be Castle and Beckett."

Beckett nodded and spoke for the both of them since Castle seemed to be stuck in a trance. "We are. It's great to finally meet you. Castle has been bugging Espo about it for the longest time."

Kelly laughed and Castle let out a small gasp. Thankfully, she didn't seem to hear him. "I know I've been asking to meet you three. Who's important to my Javi is important to me." Esposito pulled her close and kissed the top of her head.

The snap of a pencil brought everyone's attention to Ryan. He dropped the pencil halves to his desk and mumbled through his clenched teeth. "I have to check on Jenny. Have a good time." He didn't wait for any response before he was stalking over to the break room.

Esposito stared at him until he slammed the door shut behind him. He cleared his throat and turned back Kelly. "Well, we're gonna get going. See you guys later."

Kelly smiled once last time to them. "It was nice meeting you all. Maybe I'll see you soon."

Beckett nodded and smiled as her and Esposito walked back to the elevator. Once they were gone, she turned to face Castle. "Okay, Castle, what's your problem?"

Castle looked shocked. " _My_ problem? Did you not see her?"

Beckett didn't looked amused. "Yes, I did. So?"

Castle groaned in exasperation. "C'mon, tell me that she didn't look like a certain Irish detective we know."

Beckett shook her head. "Castle, I know where you're going with this. Stop." She started walking back to her desk and Castle was on her heels.

"She had his eyes, his hair, his smile and even his laugh! That's not a coincidence, Beckett! Hell, her name is Kelly Regan. _Kelly Regan, Kevin Ryan_!"

"Leave him alone, Castle."

Castle ignored her. "Did you see how Ryan looked like a kicked puppy when she first came in and then when she called him her Javi, he lost it. Do you feel the sexual tension?"

Beckett sighed and ran a hand over her face. "Please, Castle, just leave it be."

"They're both so lost. Why can't they just pull their heads out of their asses and dump their girlfriends so they can be together?"

"Why can't you just let them figure all this out on their own?" Beckett shook her head.

"Because nothing will ever happen. Castle the love guru has some serious work to do." He smiled, staring at Ryan sitting at the table through the break room window.

* * *

It was cruel. Esposito knew that. But he just couldn't help himself. He wanted Ryan to know how he felt every time he mentioned Jenny.

It had been a month since he brought Kelly to the precinct and things had only gotten worse. They weren't fighting, but their relationship was definitely strained. They didn't get along like they used to; they bumped heads and bickered and there was so much silence. The worst part was, Ryan never smiled anymore.

And day after day, Esposito would come into the precinct and go on and on about all the fun he and Kelly had the night before. Ryan just sat there and listened with a pained expression on his face, though he tried tried to hide it.

"She tried to make me a cake, man, but you should have seen the ashes in the oven." Esposito laughed as Ryan tried to fill out his papers. "And her present, mmm."

Ryan didn't even look up. "Didn't know you were celebrating. You told me you were busy."

"Well, yeah, Kelly wanted to have a date night." Esposito shrugged. "If you want, we can go out maybe this weekend and celebrate."

Ryan looked up with narrowed eyes. "I can't. _You know_ April, _my niece,_ has a dance recital. I bought you a ticket and you said you were going, but you probably have plans." Ryan snapped before going back to his work.

"Why don't you just take Jenny?"

Ryan shoved his chair backwards and stood up. "Because April wants to see _you_. But, you know what, just forget it. I don't know why she's so excited to see a dick like you!" He growled before storming off.

Once Ryan was gone, Esposito let his head fall to the desk with a hard thump. He didn't move when he heard a voice behind him.

"You're such an idiot. I hope you know that."

"Thanks, Castle."

He heard the writer sigh. "First you bring in a girl that looks exactly like Ryan and if you were looking to get him jealous you had him right there. But then you had to drag it on. Don't you see how miserable he is? You used to make him smile and laugh. What happened?"

"Listen, Castle, I appreciate your concern for my partner, but we've got this. We'll figure something out," Esposito grumbled.

"I really don't think you've _got this_. Because the other night I got a call from my bartender at the Old Haunt. Ryan just about drank himself into unconsciousness and when I went to pick him up all he said was how you hated him."

"I don't hate him...that's my problem."

Castle tapped his knuckles hard on the desk. "Then fix this."

* * *

"What's wrong, Javi? You feel so tense." Kelly said as they laid in bed that night next to each other.

"Nothing. Just some stuff at work."

Kelly grinned, massaging his shoulder. "I think I know what will help you loosen up."

Esposito leaned into her hands as she worked out the kinks in his back. "Hmm?" He hummed, closing his eyes to relax. They popped back open when he felt her straddling him and her hot lips were on his.

He groaned and looked into her blue eyes just before his eyes fluttered shut. Without permission, his mind immediately went to Kevin. How perfect his partner was with those big blue eyes and his smile and his laugh and just about _everything_ about him.

And suddenly, the woman was on top of him was no longer Kelly. It was Kevin. Esposito moaned into the kiss and wrapped his arms around 'Ryan's' waist, he pulled him closer and ran one hand through his hair and one squeezed his ass. Esposito ignored the longer hair and the boobs and the absence of something hard pressing into his thigh. He was too intoxicated by the thought of holding and kissing Ryan like this to even care.

"God, Kevin, want you so much," he muttered.

Then the lips on his were gone. He blinked a few times and looked over to see a fuming Kelly. "Wha-?"

"Did you just say _Kevin_? As in your _partner_?" She was red in the face and screaming at him. "I can't believe you. This whole time I was just a _replacement_ for your partner."

 _Oh, shit. He just said Kevin's name in bed._ "Kel, I didn't-"

She jumped off the bed with a death glare. "I don't want to hear your bullshit. I should have known the moment that I walked in and saw him. He could be my fucking twin, you asshole!"

"Kelly, I'm sorry-"

"Goodbye, Javier. Go run to _Kevin_." She grabbed her shoes, stormed out the room, but stopped in his doorway. "And then you both can go straight to hell!" She yelled before continuing down the hall and Esposito could feel the apartment shake when she slammed the door to leave.

Esposito sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He was such such a fucking idiot. He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't stand to know that Ryan was probably miserable at his house right now because of him and Jenny was the one there to cheer him up.

He got off the bed and quickly got dressed. If he hurried, he could get to Ryan's building in under 10 minutes.

He skipped the taxi and jogged the two blocks to Ryan's apartment. He ran through the door and barely waved to the doorman before he was bounding up the steps.

He reached Ryan's floor and ran straight to his apartment. He didn't hesitate before pounding on his door. He didn't say a word, afraid if Ryan knew it was him he wouldn't answer.

The door swung open and on the other side was a very peeved looking Ryan. He looked even angrier when he saw saw it was Esposito. He tried to slam the door shut again, but Esposito caught it with his foot and pushed it back open. He shoved past Ryan into his apartment. "Are you alone? I have to talk to you."

"I don't care. Get out." Ryan crossed his arms over his chest.

"Just, please, listen," Esposito begged. He wasn't going to lose him.

"No, _you_ listen, Esposito." Ryan jabbed his finger in Esposito's chest. "For a month you've been throwing me to the side like garbage and I'm tired of it."

"I'm sorry, Kevin. I was wrong, I know that. But I just, I just…" Esposito sighed.

"You just what? _Wanted_ to hurt me?"

"No!" Esposito said quickly. "I only wanted to make you... jealous. I was so upset when you brought in Jenny and I found Kelly and I thought maybe you'd…"

"That I'd just dump Jenny to come running to you?"

Esposito cringed; hearing it out loud made him seem like an asshole.

"Well, I would have," Ryan admitted, still angry. "But then you had to keep bringing her up. And how _perfect_ Kelly was!"

Esposito groaned. "Didn't you see that Kelly was you? The whole time, I only imagined her as you! I picked her up because she looked like you and she acted like you. I thought that was the closest I was ever going to get since you had Jenny!"

Ryan laughed bitterly. "Sure, blame this back on me. You're the one that left me to dry after _Kelly_ came along!"

"I didn't leave you! You were always with Jenny!" Esposito screamed right back.

"Jenny left me a month ago!" Ryan yelled and that silenced Esposito. "Jenny left me and so did you." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I sat here Monday night _waiting for you_ on _your_ birthday. But you were too busy with Kelly to even call and tell me you couldn't make it."

"Kevin," Esposito said softly, "I had no idea."

"Of course you didn't." Ryan was as loud as ever. "You know what? Take your fucking cake and present! I don't want them!" He stormed into the kitchen and just as Esposito was about to follow him in, Ryan came back out with a cake in his hands. Ryan threw it to Esposito and he quickly ducked so the cake exploded against the wall.

"Kevin, what the hell," Esposito yelled when he turned around to see chocolate cake and icing smeared on the wall and floor. It was Esposito's favorite.

"And take your dumb cooking pot." When Esposito turned back to Ryan, he saw him lifting a wrapped box over his head. "We won't need it since you don't have the time to hang out anymore!"

Just as Ryan was about to chuck it, Esposito ran over and grabbed Ryan's wrists. He looked into Ryan's now tear filled eyes and said slowly, "I'm sorry, Kevin. I was an idiot and I should have never hurt you like that."

"You don't care. Leave me alone." Ryan tried to pull his wrists out of Esposito's hold.

"I _do_ care, Kevin," Esposito whispered. "More than you know. And I know I don't deserve for you to forgive me, but I want you to know that I was wrong and if I could take it all back I would. In a heartbeat."

"You mean that?" Ryan asked quietly. The tears pooling in the corners of his eyes were breaking Esposito's heart.

"Of course I do."

Ryan stared at him for a moment before he lowered his hands and put the box on the floor. The moment he was standing up again, he wrapped his arms around Esposito. "I missed you so much."

Esposito felt his heart stutter; he didn't think Ryan was going to ever forgive him. "I missed you more."

Ryan pulled away from Esposito, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Are you still with Kelly?"

"Just broke things off before I came here."

Ryan's eyes brightened and finally, _finally_ that beautiful smile was back. "Good." He grinned and pulled Esposito's cheeks down for a kiss.

* * *

Later that night or technically early that morning, Ryan and Esposito were curled up in each other's arms lying in bed. The room was quiet and Esposito was rubbing soothing circles on Ryan's bare back.

"Why did we have to get here the hard way?" Ryan whispered.

"Because I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have you." Esposito smiled at Ryan's soft laugh. "That and we're both idiots."

"I'm glad you're finally back. I really did miss you." Ryan hummed softly.

"Kevin, I'm sorry for what I did on my birthday. I never should have left you alone. Every birthday we spend together and that's a tradition I should have never broken." Esposito sighed.

"It's okay," Ryan said, though he didn't sound like he was okay about it. "We can celebrate tomorrow. I'll have to make another cake, but you can still open your present."

"My _cooking pot_?" Esposito grinned.

"You were always complaining about how you didn't have the right pot to cook with whenever you tried making dinner for us and that's why you couldn't get the recipes perfect. So I thought the next time you cooked, we could try out the new pot." Ryan turned his head to look up at Esposito, his chin resting on Esposito's chest.

"I can't wait to try it out." Esposito kissed his nose.

Ryan smiled at the kiss and then asked, "What happened with you and Kelly? You guys seemed...happy."

Esposito did not want Ryan to know what happened so he kept the attention off himself. "I could say the same about you and Jenny."

Ryan smiled softly. "She got a job offer in California. I couldn't leave. _You're_ in New York and that's when she knew. She wished us luck." Esposito stayed silent. "What about you and Kelly?"

Esposito chuckled nervously. "It's nothing. Really."

Of course, it wouldn't be that easy. Ryan turned on his stomach to study Esposito carefully. "You're not a very good liar."

"Kevin, c'mon-,"

"Tell me, Javi," Ryan said with those stupid big puppy dog eyes.

Esposito bit his lip, trying so hard not to give in. But he couldn't say no to Ryan. "Fine. But before I tell you, you have to know it was late and I was thinking about when she started to kiss me and I didn't know I said your name until after."

Ryan just stared at him and for a moment, Esposito thought he was horrified. It was kinda weird to hear that your partner thought about you while in bed with his girlfriend.

But then he laughed.

"Kevin, stop it. It's not funny." He tried to keep a straight face, but Kevin's smile was hard to ignore.

"I can't believe you actually...Castle told me that you were just confused and soon you'd figure it out." Ryan smirked. "I just never thought you'd figure it out post coital glow with your girlfriend."

"Kevin, I'm being serious." Esposito warned, but he was still smiling.

"So am I." Ryan kissed Esposito's lips softly. "I'm serious about this. I'm serious about you. I'm serious about _us._ "

Esposito held Ryan closer, if that was even possible. "Kev…"

"I want you, Javi, you and only you. For the rest of my life."

"What happens…" Javier swallowed thickly and continued, "What happens when you do want this anymore? When you realize you deserve more than I can give you."

Kevin smiled, sadly almost, that Javier would ever think that. "That's not going to happen, Javi. Because everything I will _ever_ need is right here holding me in his arms."

Javier's eyes widened. "You mean that, corazon?"

Kevin nodded and leaned back down into Javier's chest to place a kiss to his chin and snuggle deep in his arms. He was content to spend the rest of the night lying here and listen to the sound of Javier's beating heart.

Javier kissed Kevin's head softly and whispered, "And I'll never let go."

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed and Merry Christmas to all!:)**


End file.
